Folks from the 'burbs don't live in the hills.
There is one flat neighborhood in our town. Everything else is twisted, winding hills where trees touch both sides of your car and you can't turn around. When we moved here I demanded that we live in the flat part of town near stores and theaters and the college. I have to be able to walk somewhere for coffee and maybe leave the house and see some people without making a huge trip uptown, finding a parking spot and dealing with coins and meters.
On Halloween everybody comes to our section of town for trick-or-treating because they can hit a bunch of houses at once and it's a spectacle of a crowd for the kids. But, fuck, they do it from 4-6 and it's the entire street full of cars parking and driving 10 miles per hour and then waiting and looking at their watches 'til the hour strikes. I don't even have kids and feel like I can spare myself the task of having to remember to buy an expensive hoard of sweets so I can stand on my front porch for two hours and wait on the line of children forming around my house from all sides.
And then I feel like the asshole that ruined Halloween and hide in my house with the lights out and try to be unseen like I am right now. Too bad I only smoke outside, and a cigarette would be nice right now.
Goddamn kids. I always said kids and addictions don't go well together.
Why don't they just have everybody throw their candy in a huge fucking pile and then let the costumed children push and shove as much candy into their bags as they can all at once. It would be really fun to watch so I'd probably even buy candy for the pile 'cause then I'm kinda involved. Why not include everybody, right?
I'm not down with this current, exclusive trend of only celebrating family-style holidays and leaving everybody else out. Let the little sugar-munchers battle it out for my amusement. The thrill of the fight and the rewarding satisfaction that comes with out-smarting the opponent for treats would probably be a more appropriate way to celebrate the family life anyhow.
On Halloween everybody comes to our section of town for trick-or-treating because they can hit a bunch of houses at once and it's a spectacle of a crowd for the kids. But, fuck, they do it from 4-6 and it's the entire street full of cars parking and driving 10 miles per hour and then waiting and looking at their watches 'til the hour strikes. I don't even have kids and feel like I can spare myself the task of having to remember to buy an expensive hoard of sweets so I can stand on my front porch for two hours and wait on the line of children forming around my house from all sides.
And then I feel like the asshole that ruined Halloween and hide in my house with the lights out and try to be unseen like I am right now. Too bad I only smoke outside, and a cigarette would be nice right now.
Goddamn kids. I always said kids and addictions don't go well together.
Why don't they just have everybody throw their candy in a huge fucking pile and then let the costumed children push and shove as much candy into their bags as they can all at once. It would be really fun to watch so I'd probably even buy candy for the pile 'cause then I'm kinda involved. Why not include everybody, right?
I'm not down with this current, exclusive trend of only celebrating family-style holidays and leaving everybody else out. Let the little sugar-munchers battle it out for my amusement. The thrill of the fight and the rewarding satisfaction that comes with out-smarting the opponent for treats would probably be a more appropriate way to celebrate the family life anyhow.
posted by Matthew Pazzol at 12:34 PM
1 Comments:
i wonder if u did it next year anonymously (left a fucking bathtub of candy right in the centre of all the children), if the cops can get u for "mischief". in any case, children eat wayyy too much candy and you should be thanked for not participating in this unhealthy behaviour. i trick-or-treated at work (all the departments were giving out candy) and then my friend jen came over for a smoke and she ate a good third of it (that's how much a specifically rationed out for her). i can barely eat two chocolate bars without getting an unbearable sugar rush followed by a mighty stomach ache. how did i do it before so many halloweens ago when i used to eat half my loot in one night while watching "Tales from the Cryptcreeper" marathon on TV? i dunno... but i certainly feel my age these days. getting old sucks.
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