Late afternoon coffee and what's on the digital hair metal station.
Mother's Eyes
E'nuff Z'nuff
Not really a radio hit (video?). What can I say? In Chicago they where the big lucky winners. All the local bands looked up to them for their videos, Hit Parader articles and numerous pin-ups of deliciously beautiful drummer Vic Fox. These guys had some of the best cock rock vocal melodies ever. . . and don't forget that everybody had a story about Chip capering around with his massive dong.
Don't Cry
Guns N' Roses
I was just going through a bunch of old stuff and found a stack of concert tickets I'd saved. My favorite was Iron Maiden in '88 at the Rosemont Horizon with Guns N' Roses opening up. G n' R never did do the show. Megadeth played in their place.
Love is a Killer
Vixen
I will always resent them for not being as pretty as the guys in the metal scene. Back then it was because I was a superficial dick and wanted to watch a totally hot girl band, but now it's because they make me think I avoided gayness by one accidental blow-job.
Desert Moon
Great White
Fat guitarist! Fat guitarist that never took his sunglasses off (maybe he wasn't fat?)! What could have been under there? Lazy eye? Cross-eyed? What would make a public figure of note never-ever-never take his glasses off? Maybe he was just really stoned. For some reason, I always just assumed he had sunken-in eye sockets, but now I'm thinking bigger.
Celebration
Headpins
Never heard of them before. The singer sounds exactly like the dude from the Darkness more so than any other specific metal singer I can think of. Check 'em out
Fire and Ice
Yngwie J. Malmsteen
I always loved that he used his middle initial to cut-out any confusion as too which Yngwie Malmsteen you were hearing at any given time. His singer, Joe Lynn Turner, had Alopecia (had no hair on his body) and wore a modestly long black wig.
Love Bomb Baby
Tigertailz
Another portly guitarist. Chubby British kid with bleach blonde hair in gold lemay. It's the best kind of serious mockery going on here. I either don't remember this song or have forgotten it on purpose.
Here I Go Again
Whitesnake
They had to play the crappy keyboard version, didn't they? But check 'em out back in the day (well, back in the day of the day's day):
Angel Eyes
Steelheart
Why didn't this guy just publicly come out and call Mark Slaughter a pussy. I know the high vocals thing was a coveted commodity in the cock rock crowds, but sometimes you get too much of a good thing. I wonder if this dude hit it live. If he could really pull that shit off live it'd be pretty impressive, but I have a hunch he did a lot of shows with "shitty" monitors.
Too High To Fly
Dokken
All right, first of all that's not Dokken. It doesn't even sound like it has George Lynch in it (or Reb Beach). Mick Brown's fine and all (he has all the best lines in their home video), but no one left those show's thinking, "Fuck! That Drummer was Great!" I'll never not think of them in their half black/half pastel leather tail-suits from Under lock and Key. This tune probably came out this year.
Don't Wanna Let You Go
Quiet Riot
This song is the reason they usually played Slade tunes. Another frontman in a wig. He really did scream like an alligator. He passed away last year but I'm sure Quiet Riot will be touring with Jizzy Pearl on lead vocals in a town near you soon enough. I'd actually like to see that.
Bad Reputation
Damn Yankees
Did the Night Ranger guy play keyboards? This sounds a little Night Ranger heavy on the keyboards. Saw them play with Bad Company at Poplar Creek. Poplar Creek is now a huge Sears building.
Body Rock
Fastaway
Hey, that's the dude from Katmandu! I covered a version of the Fastaway song "Say What You Will" for years without ever hearing the original. I did that with Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" as well. I was such a douche. I thought Shout at the Devil was the first rock record ever made.
I Wanna Be Your Man
L.A.Guns
What a weird L.A.Guns song to play. It's a bonus track from something. You already know exactly what it sounds like.
I'll bet Jizzy tears the ass out of this tune.
They look like sexy Asian girls dressed-up like naughty matadors.
Raise Your Hand
Bon Jovi
It's about time, huh? You'd think whoever programmed this station would have played some Bon Jovi by now. I'll bet he was holding back on the Bon Jovi on purpose. He's probably plotting his Bon Jovi strategically throughout every hour of the day. He's always wondering if it's too soon for another B.J. tune.
Don't Treat Me Bad
Firehouse
This song makes my brain go completely blank. I can only hear it from a far way away in a dark corner of my head, I'm curled up in a mud-like substance in my mind and from somewhere this song it coming, echoing off corners and flat surfaces like the hooves of a thousand devil horses breathing glitter and exhaling aqua-net into flaming clouds of KISStechnic flame pillars. You know what I mean.
Bad To Be Good
Poison
This has to be Poison at their best. It's hooky but not faggy (there is no breach of P.C. calling them faggy unless you're ignorant). It starts off really groovy and slow and then, all of a sudden, you're like, "this is Poison?" Further proof that blow-jobs cause premature hair loss. Look at poor David Lee Roth.
Simple Man
Junkyard
I've always hated these southern rockers and now hate them even more because I know they wrote a song called Simple Man. I was thinking maybe it would be a Skynyrd cover, 'cause you know, they're a southern rock band too and probably the most famous ever. But no. Junkyard borrowed a Skynyrd title. Fuck Junkyard.
Faster Pussycat's House of Pain is my sign to stop for now.
Rock.
E'nuff Z'nuff
Not really a radio hit (video?). What can I say? In Chicago they where the big lucky winners. All the local bands looked up to them for their videos, Hit Parader articles and numerous pin-ups of deliciously beautiful drummer Vic Fox. These guys had some of the best cock rock vocal melodies ever. . . and don't forget that everybody had a story about Chip capering around with his massive dong.
Don't Cry
Guns N' Roses
I was just going through a bunch of old stuff and found a stack of concert tickets I'd saved. My favorite was Iron Maiden in '88 at the Rosemont Horizon with Guns N' Roses opening up. G n' R never did do the show. Megadeth played in their place.
Love is a Killer
Vixen
I will always resent them for not being as pretty as the guys in the metal scene. Back then it was because I was a superficial dick and wanted to watch a totally hot girl band, but now it's because they make me think I avoided gayness by one accidental blow-job.
Desert Moon
Great White
Fat guitarist! Fat guitarist that never took his sunglasses off (maybe he wasn't fat?)! What could have been under there? Lazy eye? Cross-eyed? What would make a public figure of note never-ever-never take his glasses off? Maybe he was just really stoned. For some reason, I always just assumed he had sunken-in eye sockets, but now I'm thinking bigger.
Celebration
Headpins
Never heard of them before. The singer sounds exactly like the dude from the Darkness more so than any other specific metal singer I can think of. Check 'em out
Fire and Ice
Yngwie J. Malmsteen
I always loved that he used his middle initial to cut-out any confusion as too which Yngwie Malmsteen you were hearing at any given time. His singer, Joe Lynn Turner, had Alopecia (had no hair on his body) and wore a modestly long black wig.
Love Bomb Baby
Tigertailz
Another portly guitarist. Chubby British kid with bleach blonde hair in gold lemay. It's the best kind of serious mockery going on here. I either don't remember this song or have forgotten it on purpose.
Here I Go Again
Whitesnake
They had to play the crappy keyboard version, didn't they? But check 'em out back in the day (well, back in the day of the day's day):
Angel Eyes
Steelheart
Why didn't this guy just publicly come out and call Mark Slaughter a pussy. I know the high vocals thing was a coveted commodity in the cock rock crowds, but sometimes you get too much of a good thing. I wonder if this dude hit it live. If he could really pull that shit off live it'd be pretty impressive, but I have a hunch he did a lot of shows with "shitty" monitors.
Too High To Fly
Dokken
All right, first of all that's not Dokken. It doesn't even sound like it has George Lynch in it (or Reb Beach). Mick Brown's fine and all (he has all the best lines in their home video), but no one left those show's thinking, "Fuck! That Drummer was Great!" I'll never not think of them in their half black/half pastel leather tail-suits from Under lock and Key. This tune probably came out this year.
Don't Wanna Let You Go
Quiet Riot
This song is the reason they usually played Slade tunes. Another frontman in a wig. He really did scream like an alligator. He passed away last year but I'm sure Quiet Riot will be touring with Jizzy Pearl on lead vocals in a town near you soon enough. I'd actually like to see that.
Bad Reputation
Damn Yankees
Did the Night Ranger guy play keyboards? This sounds a little Night Ranger heavy on the keyboards. Saw them play with Bad Company at Poplar Creek. Poplar Creek is now a huge Sears building.
Body Rock
Fastaway
Hey, that's the dude from Katmandu! I covered a version of the Fastaway song "Say What You Will" for years without ever hearing the original. I did that with Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" as well. I was such a douche. I thought Shout at the Devil was the first rock record ever made.
I Wanna Be Your Man
L.A.Guns
What a weird L.A.Guns song to play. It's a bonus track from something. You already know exactly what it sounds like.
I'll bet Jizzy tears the ass out of this tune.
They look like sexy Asian girls dressed-up like naughty matadors.
Raise Your Hand
Bon Jovi
It's about time, huh? You'd think whoever programmed this station would have played some Bon Jovi by now. I'll bet he was holding back on the Bon Jovi on purpose. He's probably plotting his Bon Jovi strategically throughout every hour of the day. He's always wondering if it's too soon for another B.J. tune.
Don't Treat Me Bad
Firehouse
This song makes my brain go completely blank. I can only hear it from a far way away in a dark corner of my head, I'm curled up in a mud-like substance in my mind and from somewhere this song it coming, echoing off corners and flat surfaces like the hooves of a thousand devil horses breathing glitter and exhaling aqua-net into flaming clouds of KISStechnic flame pillars. You know what I mean.
Bad To Be Good
Poison
This has to be Poison at their best. It's hooky but not faggy (there is no breach of P.C. calling them faggy unless you're ignorant). It starts off really groovy and slow and then, all of a sudden, you're like, "this is Poison?" Further proof that blow-jobs cause premature hair loss. Look at poor David Lee Roth.
Simple Man
Junkyard
I've always hated these southern rockers and now hate them even more because I know they wrote a song called Simple Man. I was thinking maybe it would be a Skynyrd cover, 'cause you know, they're a southern rock band too and probably the most famous ever. But no. Junkyard borrowed a Skynyrd title. Fuck Junkyard.
Faster Pussycat's House of Pain is my sign to stop for now.
Rock.
posted by Matthew Pazzol at 1:22 PM
5 Comments:
That's a weak and unimaginative playlist. Were they just playing a lame cockrock hits of the 80s cd?
The Tigertailz, Fastway, and Enuff songs would have made me keep listening, wondering what they were gunna play next, but it would have ultimately ended in disappointment.
It's like they almost got "there" but never really did. It's obvious that they just didn't try.
Bands that I would play, if I were programming director of a digital cockrock station:
Love/Hate, Vain, Dangerous toys, D'molls, LA Guns, Lord Tracy, Kingofthehill, Shotgun Messiah, DLR, Bang Tango, Black N Blue, and Smashed Gladys, to name a few...too many.
That Dokken track is from their 1995 album "Dysfunctional", and that wasn't just a catchy title. I think they were all ready to kill each other and recorded it in different studios, then had someone glue together the individual pieces. George Lynch is on it, but I bet Don Dokken hired a kid to go to the Guitar Center where Lynch worked, and then bootleg a lesson with him and dub it onto the album. Or maybe they did a similar approach with Don and went to the McDonalds where he worked and drove through the drive-thru a bunch of times with a DAT and tried to get him to say the lines, i.e. "I'll have a Filet-o-fish and a Too High to Fly."
They turned Poplar Creek into a Sears? That sucks - I remember well going to see Metallica there with you guys. 20 years ago. Jesus Christ.
Fuck yeah. The Cult opened that show. And Justice For All tour, I believe.
In their defense of broadcast, when I was pulling up my blog they had a Shotgun Messiah song on, but it was off of the shitty, non-nine-inch-nails sounding ones when Tim Tim first started singing.
Wasn't their drummer's name stixx?
This comment has been removed by the author.
Well, looks like I've got some catching up to do. I spent the small hours yesterday immersed in the Pazzol-Rama archives, transfixed by an image one moment and laughing hysterically at one of your wide ranging discourses the next.
Congrats on your show, wish I could have been there; I could use some new art on the walls.
The last time I was at Poplar Creek was to see Elton John on The One tour. Crocodile Cock Rock, good times...Davey Johnstone was still rockin' like it was the seventies.
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