I'm like the fucking Minister of Tourism

These are things I've seen in my town this week:

1. The morbidly obese on bicycles carrying pizzas.

2. A man with a cane getting knocked to the ground and kicked.

3. Kit Kat smoothies.

4. Four tanning salons on a three block downtown street, all packed when the sun is out.

5. Lots of bald guys with long hair.

6. One music store with more banjos than electric guitars.

7. Maybe, if you're lucky, a black person.

8. Two different hooka bars on a three block downtown street that both opened the same week.

9. Herds of orange sorority girls (see number 4).

10. Angry, pissed-off hippies in an excellent vegan resaurant.

11. Five ass-kicking margaritas and a six-layer dip appetizer for $15.

12. The inside of a police station.

13. Drunk waitresses wielding hand-puppets.

14. Wiener dogs with boners chasing squirrels.

15. Sixteen-year-old girls not dressed like hookers.

17. Three story student centers with the only escalators in town and semi-rascist mosaics in the floor.

18. Six inch heels stuck in cobblestone.

19. An ass-kicking-year-round costume shop..

20. Hand-knit bong cozys.